Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A City I once knew

New York City for me is like looking through a photo album of my past life or reading a familiar book again from a particular time in my past. Walking through the streets, passing places I once stayed for hours at a time or shared a special time with, walking the halls of my Alma mater, and seeing the faces that I have grown to know so well is so nostalgic for me. Going there is so different then I thought it would be. I picture people and places just how I left it. Or to feel as if I’ll feel like I should move back. But honestly none of these things came true. It feels so different. It almost reaffirms my sometimes regretful decisions to have left in the first place. Don’t be misinformed, no city could be in my heart like NY is and if I could move all the people with me wherever I go I would. But I feel as of right now that my schooling, my pursuit of developing a good marriage independent from our families and friends and of course following God’s will is most important right now.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Trust Issues

So recently I have realized that I have some real significant issues that should be addressed in my life if I want to go forward in my life. I suppose there are worse things to struggle with but I do have some significant wounds that need to be healed. The problem is that I've been trying to heal them myself whether I knew it or not. Now school is forcing me to take a good look inside myself and see one what others and God see and two what really is inside my heart. This can be a very enlightening experience and "nice" if you will. It can also be hell. So far I have gone through both. I have fought the process and hated it. I have even tried to pass over the process and get to the results. Unfortunately it does not work like that. I will never truly be changed or healed without help. My help will more specifically only come from God. Notice I said "only." I have spent long enough hiding from Him and trying to do all on my own. Yes I have control issues too. But now by some help from others, prayer and God himself I am beginning to see some differences. Not really a difference I can write or put on paper. But I have the evidence of change by me not avoiding or ignoring the process anymore. I have realized that I am in the middle of a process. A process that really could take the time frame of my whole life and you know what, I'm proud to say I'm actually okay with that...for now anyway! :)

Please continue to pray for me and my transformation into a woman that I continually hope to be. Below is a link to a website I thought was insightful about this subject.