Transitions: The Grace Period

As I told my old counselor and now friend… "I hate transition," as she laughed at me for my pure honesty, I have continued to think about how almost all of life is transition or change. I have had many transitions in my own life, but especially big ones in the last few years: marriage, several moves, graduating and career changes. At this point I am kind of done, but am I really? I have had a lot of time to think and reflect the last few months while I have been put on temporary hold at my job due to some state discrepancies. I have been learning so many things that will not fit in just this writing alone. One thing I have been wrestling with is the fact that I am pretty sick of change and difficult change at that. I just want to be in the whole smooth sailing, enjoying life stage. Yet, in the last few days I think I realized that I will never have that stage here, on earth anyway. There will never be a time, let’s say a month where nothing happens…no stress, anger, fights, misunderstandings, etc, don’t happen. It just is not possible. In fact, I do not remember a year that there was not some really big thing that I was working through. And most of those years looking back I could not tell you what it exactly was I was working through. So then I thought, is it just me? Am I drama queen that looks for this? Or one of those people that can’t be continually happy and must need something to be stressed out about? God, I hope not! I’m pretty sure after thinking about it more and reflecting on most of my friends’ lives and my family members, that all of us have these ups and downs; seasons that come into our lives. Mostly we hate them and wait for them to pass along, but if they are happening so often then aren’t we wishing our life away? I don’t know about you but the idea of always living in the state of "I can’t wait ‘til this is over," is just not okay with me.

I want to live and enjoy my life. After having lost my grandmother this summer, at a young age for a grandmother today, I definitely have thought about the fact that we need to enjoy each day we have. I know that is so cliché, but at the same time isn’t it true? If I spend most my days hoping for the next season to come, and I added all those days up at the end of my life comparative to the days I enjoy life no matter what, which column will be higher? Right now I can say with a guarantee that my "Is it over yet?" column would kill my "enjoying life" column. Now don’t misunderstand me I’m not saying we should become fake or start cutting work to live life to it’s fullest. So, what do we do while we wait? How should we live during this time of heartache, sadness, depression, change, anxiety or just pure impatience? As a believer I believe in prayer. But what happens when you don’t hear from God? No answer comes, not the "right answer" anyway or just more waiting perhaps. Should we "curse God and die" or get angry with Him, "Why won’t you just give me what I want, when I want it!" I wonder what He would say back? If I were Him, I’d probably say, "Are you kidding me with this?" or in my case "Again?!?" or my fav "Don’t you know, I’m God?" Fortunately for me, God has more character than me, especially patience. So what would he want us to do during this time? An article I read yesterday called Waiting on God’s Perfect Timing listed trusting God, resisting the temptation to control the situation yourself, and praying; prayer that is not the same wish-list, but with thanksgiving to God and with praise to him. Perhaps even for help to endure the pain you might be in currently.

So I’d like to build off of this really helpful, wise article. I would add obedience, a word everyone cringes over usually because it sounds like something our parents would have said when they were angry "Don‘t you disobey me." However, I think it is essential to relearn this word and it’s meaning, especially to inregard to your relationship with God. While you are waiting on something remember to praise God, not in the hopes that you will then secretly get what you want. I mean God does know our hearts and could completely see through that anyway, so why bother, right? Rather to believe regardless of your situation there are things to be thankful for. A good colleague invited me to write down something I was thankful for each day, even if it was as simple as the way the clouds look today. Also a way to be obedient is to follow his commandments and of course the two most important are Loving God and loving your neighbor. So there’s another serving; I am going to serve and love others as I wait. One of my mother’s favorite quote is by John Lennon who said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Isn’t that so true? Wonderful things happen during times of suffering. You have the capacity to see God and know He is there by your side more than maybe ever before. You learn and see things in the scriptures that you never saw before. You see others and their hardships differently as well. You may be the only other person in someone’s life that can really understand or empathize with them right now. Your current sensitive heart may see a family in need of food, clothing or rent money.

Lastly, and the most important for myself anyway, changes and hardships will never leave you. American culture tells us that we should be living life constantly like it’s one huge happy party. As if everyone has the perfect job that pays well, keeps you interested always and is always a fun work environment. Or that everyone’s social life has to be chuck full of activities that are super fun, with super fun people and the laughs are never ending. Does anyone know this person? If you said yes, than your lying or deceived by them. This life does not exist. People are complex and have hardships, stressors, etc everyday. No person or life is perfect so why do we expect this for our own lives? Why do we wait for perfection? Why wait for smooth sailing if it is never coming? In some ways this may sound depressing, but the good news is your not alone. We are all going through something and how could we not in this imperfect world? In some ways this lowers our high expectations and anxieties that there should be more. Something in us, in our hearts longs for more, expects more. Why the heck is that, if all I’m saying is true? Then I realized it, I was not made for this fallen world with all it’s imperfections. God had more in mind for us and still does. If part of you feels unfulfilled…good…you should, because it’s not over. There is more living to do here on earth. More love to give others and more you need to grow in. More love that has to develop for Christ, and deeper relationship with Him here. But ultimately, there is so much more to experience in heaven, in the true presence of Our Redeemer. AND God gives us pieces of heaven, by being in relationship with Him right now. That's right there is a longing answered through Him. Why do I forget this so often?

So in closing I pray that God continues to grow you. I pray you can continue to live during this time you are in. That you would learn to love this season in your life right now and look forward to the next at the same time. That you would count all the reasons to be thankful to a God who loves you more than anything. And that you would remember to use this time, where He is Strong, and you are weak, to love others well. Amen.

David and Peter

So today’s sermon at church was speaking about two stories that most Christians know pretty well. The story of David and Goliath as well as the story of when Peter stepped out of the boat to walk to Jesus. For those of you who do not David had to stand up to a huge Giant named Goliath and he was able to do it with a stone and with a huge amount of faith in God. Then the story of Peter stepping out onto the water to walk to Jesus took a great amount of faith as well, but when Peter lost his faith, he began to sink, however Jesus was able to still save him. Okay so why am I bringing these two stories up? Well, the sermon continued to speak about what our own personal giants are. What or Who is in your life that you fear or is keeping you away from something? Perhaps your thinking of a person that is always trying to put you down or get in your way? Or something you are waiting for to happen…. "if only I had this, then I’ll be okay." Whether it is a person, place or thing, it is your giant, perhaps it’s stopping you from living up to your potential or follow God’s calling for your life. So what’s your giant?

I have many Giants in my life, as I’m sure most of us do. However recently I have had one or two that are clumped together that are making life harder and scarier than usual. I have felt a great calling, I believe from God, to come back to the area in which I grew up, the Capital district in New York. Several times I felt it or heard it. I also tried to ignore it and sometimes I still want to, to be honest. I moved to Pennsylvania to go to school to follow God’s calling to become educated and equipped to be able to come back to New York and begin His work. So as graduation approached I prepared by packing all my belongings, saying my good-byes to my friends in Pennsylvania and drove 4 hours back home for good. Since I have moved home there have been ups and downs. Yet the down part, seems to be weighing heavier on my heart. I moved back here in complete fear. "How do I know how to help this area?" "I’m only 25?" "God how can I help people here and practically alone for that matter!" "What do I do first…second….third?" "I do not want to do this." Yes I do, no I don’t." Tears….tears…..and oh yeah more tears….. "Don’t you remember that I am not gifted in this area God? Don’t you remember who I am? And that I do not even like to speak in public?" "How can this work?" "Maybe I never should have moved back here?" "Maybe I made a mistake, or did not hear you correctly, Lord." You get the idea? Basically, for almost three months I have been completely fearful, anxious and heartbroken. Sure, there has been Light and Truth, but also a lot of pain, including the suffering and finally the death of my grandmother. Also the State leaving me to wait weeks upon weeks to know if I can even work as a fully legitimate counselor (which I am still waiting on). Needless to say I have had a great deal of stress, but let’s go back to that David guy, oh yeah and Peter.

I would say my biggest giant is my own fear! Fear that I cannot do this or that I’ll make the wrong move and God will be angry. Fear that I’ll be less than what people expect or what I’ll expect of myself. Fear that I’ll harm others more than help them. But, I keep forgetting my stone, Truth! The Truth is that I should "fear not!" and not just because I need to lower my blood pressure, but because the Bible and God tells me so. God wants us to have more faith in Him and know what He is capable doing, mostly because He knows better and loves us so much. He wants me to know that I cannot do it, but He sure can and He’ll be helping me every step of the way. He wants me to not care so much about what I or others expect and look to Him for acceptance and most importantly grace. It’s time to humble myself and submit to Him, because He’d like to father me. Boy, I sure wish I would let Him father me, because lately I feel like a baby who needs to be held and maybe even with a stuff animal and a blanket. So, I need to bring that rock with me, everywhere. I need to stand up to New York state and fight. I need to seek Truth and know that there is a plan better than the one in my head or on my to-do list. I need to persevere, which God keeps speaking to me. Lastly I need to remember Peter. Peter was able to step out in faith. He took one step out of the boat and was able to stand on water, like Christ, because he believed, then he began to sink only when he began to doubt in Jesus and perhaps in what Peter can and cannot do, logic began to set in. He probably thought "wait I can’t do this, no one can, this is impossible"…BAM…began to sink! But let’s not forget the rest of the story, Peter asked for Jesus to help him, save him. So Jesus reminded him that he had little faith, but even so He helped him anyway. Peter made a mistake by not trusting, but Christ still helped him. I feel a lot like Peter, I’d say 90% of the time. I am always trying, but will eventually screw up and many times in huge ways. I was able to do some of what God asked, go to school and move back home. I got out of the boat, I had the faith to do that, but now I am sinking. I am having trouble believing in more than logic or past experience. Yet I know that God has not left me, in fact I have felt him more these months than possibly in years. And I feel myself brought to my knees now more than ever. I am trying to build a faith. A faith that can walk on water, beat a giant, and move a mountain. A faith that can bring social justice to this area, that can bring Christian Counseling and other resources of the community to lower income people and most importantly that can bring love to a community that is very broken, hurt and bleeding. A love that they may never of known, or perhaps have forgotten but can receive freely. Only these things have and can happen with faith and so I’ll bring my rock of "Truth" with me to continue the battle.

A straight path

So many people ask Christians how they really know that there even is a God or that He cares about us the way Christians portray He does. I've thought of this a lot, especially in times of doubt....Yes even Christians doubt sometimes and that's okay people. But it's faith that brings me back to the my original beliefs that there is indeed a God and He loves us so much that he intercedes in our lives all the time. Today was one of those kinds of days. The kind of day that you just knew that you would need God and then he showed up in the most amazing way. No, He didn't speak directly to me or come to see me at my apartment.

I was driving into work in an ice storm. We had a couple of inches of snow and then freezing rain on top of that. I was praying for a good portion of the trip as I slowly drove in. Then when I turned off the highway onto the back roads, the part I was scared the most of, all of a sudden two big trucks come out of no where and pass me. It was a plow and a salt truck! Did I also mention on the radio someone was talking about facing your fears?!? It just felt so appropriate. No, Jesus wasn't driving the plow. But for that moment I felt so loved and cared for like those trucks were sent just for me. Maybe they were and maybe they weren't, but it sure felt like one of those Wow God moments. Those moments you just know He's there and not only is He there but he loves you so much and He'll always "make your paths straight" or clear!

When I was a little girl....

When I was a young girl there used to be a show on that was called Touched by an Angel. Maybe some of you remember it? It was a show about angels from heaven that came to earth to give a message to a certain person or persons, from God. Each episode showed God's love and also showed His example through these angels. My family and I used to watch it every week for a few years. I remember being mesmerized by these angels and this show. At the time my family had stopped going to church, which lasted for years. Even as a young girl I missed church and God. I felt unconnected. I can remember writing down songs I could remember from church so that I would not forget them someday. I'd sit in my room singing them sometimes. Once I even made my own communion to give myself!

I longed to be back in a community of believers. This show stirred something in me that I was missing. It taught me some simple truths about God and life. I remember thinking I wish I could be an angel when I grow up! Now as I watch this show on reruns I still tear up when I hear that God loves these people, regardless of what they have done and has a plan for their life. I am still shocked and excited for the characters when they turn away from their old life to embark on a new one with God!

Then I realized something God has given me a career that is the next best thing to being an angel...being a counselor. He's given me the opportunity to enter into the deepest part of people's hearts. I get to see Him working in others. How He always enters others pains and answers prayers. He always has a plan. He is an amazing, consistant God and I feel honored to be one of His many helpers and servants!

Reflection music

When there is a time I can't write and really really want to but school work or life gets in the way, which is almost always, I like to post music. Music that means something to me and is relevent for a season in my life.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4&feature=PlayList&p=B01F56C3F4F6B13E&playnext_from=PL&index=47

Goodbye '09

I can't believe that another whole year has flown by. It seems with age that the years go quicker and quicker which many told me would happen. A whole decade has gone by, one that I can remember much of, which is new for me because much of the 90s is blurry...come on I was in grade school for most of it. 2000 came with much anticipation when I was in 8th grade and just shy of 14. I went through all my years of high school, college and half of Grad school in this decade so there are many happy and of course sad memories that go along with the close of this decade. Now I wish I could say I was highlighting the whole decade but I don't have the time or the patience to do so. So instead I did this year, 2009. I reflected on all the good and bad that did happen this year. Like many years it was a difficult, busy but blessed one. So here is the top 20 things that happened this year to me...

1. Carrie visited me for the first time in PA (She was in Africa for months)
2. I was being laid off because they were moving the business all to Pittsburgh.
3. A new Job in February at Greatwide Truckload Management
4. Levi (nephew) turned 2 years old
5. Finished my first year of Grad School
6. Dean’s (my father-in-law) 50th Birthday Party
7. Jude Gabriel (2nd nephew) is born June 1st
8. Donated my hair in honor of my Grandmother being Cancer free for about three years!
9. Had my first Wedding Anniversary with my honey. PS: the second year gets better! ;)
10. Ellie (my niece) turned 1 year old
11.First time visits to Philly and other exploring in the area
12. Got into a car accident, rear-ended by someone
13. Celebrated a year in PA
14. Justin’s Nanny and Grandpa’s 50th Surprise Anniversary Party
15. Cinelle and Jenni’s move to Athens, GA (Miss them!)
16. My friend Amanda had her baby (lil’Tonio)
17. Began 2nd year of Grad School
18. Officially became Jude’s godmother at his Baptism
19. Counseled alone for the first time outside the classroom (they were acting tho)
20. My grandfather continued to struggle with dementia during this year but celebrated his 80th Birthday with family and had a great time.

So much happened this year, and even now I can think of more good and bad things that happened. This year was filled with doubt, worry, disappointment, love, encouragement and growth. Even just writing this list makes me thankful for all of it, even some of the bad things. It reminds me that sometimes even the hardest times in life are for a reason and that we cannot see the whole picture or what is coming around the corner in our own life. I am thankful mostly this year for a God who really does love me and never gives up on me, even when I deserve it! I also am thankful for how he shows me this love everyday that I live. He brings amazing friends and family into my life that show me what He is really like and gives me a slice of His love for me to see here on earth.

Thank you Jesus, Justin, family and friends for a great year!

A Year of Marriage

It’s been a year since I got married and I can’t believe it. Anyone who was at the Wedding or that knew me when I was just saying I just got married will probably agree this year has flown by. I’ll say it again...I can’t believe it. So these past few weeks I’ve been flashing back in my mind to what I would have been doing at this time last year starting in April or May. I can remember Danielle, Carrie and I really hustling to get homework done for school and graduating last year. I also can remember us hustling to pack up four years of memories to move on to three different chapters in our lives. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do . I had grown up so much in New York. I had made friends that turned into best friends as well as apart of my family. I had met God there in so many ways. I came back to God and learned that He had always been there He was just waiting for me. I changed into a person that I always wanted to be, loving confident, and always looking to grow. I also found my new calling to go to the Philadelphia Biblical University for counseling. Sometimes it’s still hard not to live in New York. I miss the people the most. I miss living with Carrie and Danielle. I miss Jonathan dropping by and meeting up for discipleship. I miss the community that was once there. I had never been with a group of friends that truly taught me what Godly community could really look like. I’m not saying we didn’t fight or make mistakes but for me it was the closest I was to heaven because we were a community of believers going through life together. Although it was a struggle to not be there this year I know that it wasn’t the same for my friends. Many of them graduated or moved. The ones that were there almost never saw each other due to jobs, moving or just life getting in the way. All of us know how great it was to have that amazing time together but know that God wants us to move out of our comfort zones into the next chapters. For some of us this meant moving, some marriage, some school and some are still figuring it all out. Yet all of my friends have moved on and I can see God blessing them in their lives and for that I am so thankful. I miss them all and wish I could kidnap them all and put them all in one house again but perhaps that dream will come true in heaven.

The other memories I’m looking back on is leaving my family. After the Wedding I had to say my goodbyes. My family and I both all told ourselves the same lie that we were just moving to go to school and that we would be back. Although this is true, we all knew it wouldn’t be like when Justin or I went away to college. It was a lot farther and for a lot longer of a time. I knew that we wouldn’t be able to come home for Winter or Summer break ever again and that was hard! One of the most hard months of my first year of marriage was Christmas time. I was off from school and away from my family. I was stressed to finish my school semester to be immediately followed by rushing to do Christmas. I never realized how hard it was to be an adult until Christmas...the presents, the cookies, the Christmas cards, the decorating and the list goes on. I found a new respect for my own mom that’s for sure! It was hard but mostly it was lonely. I wanted to be home for all the special moments that occur before Christmas. I think I called home everyday for weeks that month. Haha. The other moment that I truly got homesick this year was when Jude was born, my new nephew. I couldn’t be there and couldn’t get there until three weeks later. If you know me pretty well you know how I feel about Levi my other nephew. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than my nephew so missing Jude’s birth was super hard for me too. I think I checked in everyday then as well! ;)

So the other memory I keep reliving is my Wedding. Now I’m not going to go into this too much because it’s on my blog already. But I had a great time at my Wedding and if I had to would do it all over again. I love to think about it and how much love was in the room that day. It was one of the Best days of my life definitely! So from there we jumped on a plane to Mexico and came home with one day to pack. No we didn’t pack up til then because we had soo much going on...I know it’s crazy. So we both packed up twenty some odd years of our lives as best we could into the moving truck and left for our new home on July 7th. It all happened so quickly we got there unpacked everything and before you knew it my parents and Justin’s brother, Jon had to leave. It was super emotional we all cried for about 15 minutes and then finally saw their car drive out of our parking lot. We held each other for another five minutes in the parking lot crying. This was it I thought..now it’s time to do this marriage thing I guess and be a real grown up. Ahhhhh......

Some say the most stressful year of your life will be if you move, start a new job or get married. We decided to try all at once, plus I added starting a new school too. All I can say is that this year was one of the most hard, intense, loving, lonely, educational and amazing years of my life. We moved to Pennsylvania with no jobs, not knowing a soul and the only money we had left was the money from our Wedding, which we lived off of for months. We had no money, no place to go everyday, didn’t know where to go and with gas being almost $4 couldn’t afford to go anywhere. It was depressing, irritating and lonely. We couldn’t get cable, internet or phone for the longest time because the company could not work the wires well for a while...well it’s a long story but I won’t go into that. The point is, is that it was basically me and Justin struggling and getting sick of each other by the hour. There was times I thought what did I do? I have to spend my life with him? What if we don’t really like each other? This after 5 and half years of dating...haha. I know this sounds terrible but is completely normal and did pass of course. When Justin finally did get a job it seemed like the best thing in the world. He was going to be making good money and working in Philly. It seemed exciting and we’d have money. Unfortunately everything comes with a price. He worked and traveled to and from work most of the day and when he got home he would crash. This hardly is much of a marriage. I was still unemployed and was playing housewife but I was completely lonely and hated his job. He was nervous and miserable most of the time. As much as I hated it I was scared out of my mind when he said he was going to quit. We talked about it and I was against it. Justin found something else for him to work at so that he could quit and soon. He found a position at the local Rite Aid being a Pharmacy technician, which is what he’s done for years now. They hired him right away and he left. Although I didn’t like the idea of this because it scared the crap out of me for him to make less but as usual Justin had faith that God would provide and he did. Justin worked at two pharmacies to make full-time and got to walk to work which helped with gas money. I began my schooling in the summer and then in the fall. I quickly found a job in the beginning of Fall and things began to settle..a little. I learned so much in that time about all my insecurities about money, security, caring what people thought about our jobs and how marriage can be hard and lonely. Several people want to get married to not be alone ever again and I suppose I thought the same but today I know better. Although this may not be true of everyone I think I’m alone more now than I ever was. Justin and I have worked opposite schedules since we moved here. I hardly see him and sometimes when we can we are busy with errands, homework or just life. I struggled to know during this time why I didn’t feel more loved by Justin but soon realized that I would not find complete love in him. Don’t get me wrong Justin loves me. He is one of the best examples of someone who unconditionally loves. He has taught me soo much and I feel so cared for by him practically 24/7 BUT he cannot be my all. I felt at some point an empty feeling somewhat. I realized that subconsciously I was expecting him to completely love me unconditionally and no human can do this task. Only one can and that’s God. I learned and continue to learn that where Justin and others love ends that’s where God’s love begins. He loves me and you in a different way, a way no one else can. This is not really new for me but it became new during marriage. I never really knew how love for my husband would work with love for my God. It can work beautifully if you both want it to. Recently Justin said I believe in the power of our love and although I enjoyed the try of romanticism I told him that I don’t, well really I said that’s crap!( Oops that wasn’t encouraging! haha) I don’t believe in the power of our love because I know love can fail without Christ. In Corinthians it says love never fails but so many people’s love does for each other, so it makes you wonder why? I know it’s because they tried it on their own. I never want to love again without Christ. I only know how to now because He has taught me. I only continue to figure out marriage and love, through Christ’s love for me. Otherwise I’m just selfish yeah I know it and if we were honest with ourselves we would all see it too. I don’t know all the answers about love or marriage and I’m not going to sit here and say I do BUT I will say this I would of been lost this year with out God’s hand.

After Christmas I began to turn full-time in my job working at a website company and began semester two of my program. My schooling was such a big part of this year although I won’t get into that too much because this is already too long. I will say this though, I would not be the same without this program. It continues to teach me about myself, God, people, and life. I love it! It is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made although I kind of think God chose it not me. :) It’s hard and I hate it sometimes. I’m scared and excited by it. It also would not have been the same without my awesome lab who turned into be my new family! These girls have heard and seen things about me that are ugly yet they love me just the same...how awesome is that?!? I love you girls! At the end of January right near my Birthday and when I had Frank, Amanda and Levi visiting I got called into my bosses office. They were closing the office down and moving it all out to Pittsburgh. I was laid off, just like the rest of America at this time and even now. I couldn’t believe it. It had taken months to find this job and I couldn’t imagine how hard it was now that the recession was deeper. I was scared, again...

God provided for me, as usual right (when will I learn?) In only two week into unemployment I had a job. I began in February and still work at Greatwide Truckload Management. Honestly when I first started I thought I was going to have to quit. I never thought I would learn my job which is being a biller for a corporate office for trucking. Although the training was one of the worse, I found my way and did what I had to for me and Justin. Our family needed the money and I needed to work. Little by little we settled into my new work schedule of three days and 10 hours at a time. It sometimes still is a struggle to work that many hours but a blessing to be home more. As the school year finished in the Spring I thought I was going to die at the end but God saw me through. I had my first shot at counseling someone and had to counsel myself which was interesting to say the least.

The point is that soo much has happened this year really I can’t even write it all because even now I remember losing my best friend to Africa for months and how hard that was at the same time and the time my steering wheel locked or when I got rear-ended. The year was hard and many times I hated it and wanted to just go home and I know Justin did too. Yet it was also a great year of growing up, learning to live with a boy, learning about God and my past and learning to continually be seeking God for what marriage really should look like. I’m still learning and Justin and I know we will be for the rest of our marriage.

Trust Issues

So recently I have realized that I have some real significant issues that should be addressed in my life if I want to go forward in my life. I suppose there are worse things to struggle with but I do have some significant wounds that need to be healed. The problem is that I've been trying to heal them myself whether I knew it or not. Now school is forcing me to take a good look inside myself and see one what others and God see and two what really is inside my heart. This can be a very enlightening experience and "nice" if you will. It can also be hell. So far I have gone through both. I have fought the process and hated it. I have even tried to pass over the process and get to the results. Unfortunately it does not work like that. I will never truly be changed or healed without help. My help will more specifically only come from God. Notice I said "only." I have spent long enough hiding from Him and trying to do all on my own. Yes I have control issues too. But now by some help from others, prayer and God himself I am beginning to see some differences. Not really a difference I can write or put on paper. But I have the evidence of change by me not avoiding or ignoring the process anymore. I have realized that I am in the middle of a process. A process that really could take the time frame of my whole life and you know what, I'm proud to say I'm actually okay with that...for now anyway! :)

Please continue to pray for me and my transformation into a woman that I continually hope to be. Below is a link to a website I thought was insightful about this subject.

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/trusting-god-faq.htm

The Wedding from Hell or Heaven???

Saturday, June 28th, 2008 at 5PM Justin and I were to be married in a park called Central Park in Schenectady, NY. Justin, my parents and I had been planning this wedding since August of 2006, almost two years ahead of the date. We had changed our ceremony plans a few times. First we were to be married at our old church but then decided that we should get married outside. We finally decided on Central Park because it had a beautiful Rose Garden and it was just very quaint. It wasn't too flashy and it was somewhat not the center of attention in the park. The next problem to deal with was Plan B. If you get married outside you must have a Plan B. The one we choose was a tent that could cover everyone and provided chairs and if we needed it walls.

Unfortunately the day of the Wedding the Tent company was no where to be found. At first this was no problem because at the very least it was not raining, but there was a chance it could and we had no chairs for our 125 guests. I was about to leave and so were my bridesmaids when it started to rain. We had no idea what to do. My pastor, Justin Moffatt from Christ Church NYC was calling me and telling me it was raining there as well. The guests were there and so were the Groomsmen by this time. Everyone was getting rained on and no one knew what to do. There was a few ideas jumping around by this point. One do it anyway in the rain with umbrellas. Two get married somewhere else like my reception site. Or three wait out the rain and see if it will pass. At first we said let's call Mallozzi's, my reception site. So on my 40 minute ride I didn't know if I was driving to the park or to the reception hall. I also had heard that the musicians could not play or use equipment in the rain. People were scrambling to do whatever they could. I know that the musicians tried to be put in the back of a SUV I believe so they could play. Carrie had many umbrellas to give out. Then it stopped raining so we were going to try to do it anyway at the park.I was driving to the ceremony site and then got the call that they finally showed up.

The tent company was seven hours late! Well people were so mad at them when they got out of their truck. My sister in law, Amanda really gave them a talking to and I know some were cursing as well...no names. Amanda ordered them to set up the chairs as fast as they could. The moment my dad got there he left me in the car and ran over to the tent people. All I can say is there was a lot of hand motions and yelling. Or as Justin Moffatt said "there is a room full of angry Italian people.." lol My mom arrived and started setting up the table with the unity candle and Mrs. Leece helped her do that. My friends helped put the chairs up and because they were so dirty they started wiping them down. Everyone was working together to try to make the day still a good day for me and Justin. I knew the people helping really loved us and were truly expressing that, that day. But unfortunately it was getting late and then it started to rain again. Then Justin said maybe we should go to Mallozzi's and asked me if I rather be inside or outside. Mallozzi's had an outdoor area that was cover fortunately. Justin Moffatt coordinated this whole thing so that we all would be moving over there and no one would be left behind. My dad and me left as soon as we heard that and were the first ones to arrive at Mallozzi's to be rushed off to a separate room. When I arrived they said don't worry about a thing and brought me to a small room in the back to wait for the ceremony to start. The only problem with the Mallozzi's area is that there would be no chairs for anyone, they would have to stand. I felt terrible at first. I knew some of these guests and I knew that they must of been mad or upset about the rain and now they would have to stand. Although I know some did complain quite a bit, most did not or at least not to me. Most people were concerned for me and how I was doing. I felt so good to see my Bridesmaids come into the room with me then and even better when they brought us Champagne! My Bridesmaids really helped me and kept me calm and for that I love each of them even more than before. Justin Moffatt came in and wanted to ask if I wanted the ceremony cut down due to the time constraints. I thought about it for a second and decided that I had waited all this time and all these years for this one ceremony and if it meant cutting in on Cocktail Hour than so be it.
Justin and I had really sat down and made this ceremony full of purpose. We had decided that because of our relationship with Christ that we would like to share some things with the attendants. I wanted all of them to know two things really: God loved them and the He died for them. Justin Moffatt got the opportunity to share the Good News with our loved ones in his sermon and we got to in some personal writings that were in the program. There was a section about Justin and I and our relationship and then a section on God and knowing Him. I'm not sure if anyone really read that or remembered what Justin Moffatt said that day, but no one can say that they didn't see God's love that day. So many people poured love into a bad situation. When the chips were down my friends and family really came through. They did it because they loved me but also because they have something that is unconditional, Christ's love. After the Wedding was over I realized that it was all for a bigger reason. All along I had wanted people to know the LORD but perhaps all this happened so that they cannot just hear it but see it lived out through others.
When I walked down that aisle it didn't matter where I was or what had happened, I was going to marry my best friend and my true love. God had sent us to each other and had gave us perseverance to get through our five and seven month courtship. I loved walking down the aisle with my father and seeing all my loved ones surrounding me during the ceremony. Everyone was there from my parents to grandparents to people that have known me since I was tiny to the people that saw me go through puberty. All these people were there to see Justin and I because we love each other and because they love us. There was something about the rain falling in the distance, all my loved ones around and this final step that just brings me to tears even now.

Although so many were worried that perhaps I was terribly upset and would never get over it to them I would say this was one of the Best days of my whole life. I have never felt as loved as I did that day, which is kind of ironic when you think about it because that is what the day is all about. But I not only felt love for and from my groom but everyone in the room. God had given me a magnify glass to see all these relationships that I had over the twenty-two years of my life. These people had seen me in some of my best and worse times. God really made me feel loved that day. He gave me family and friends that have loved me and now a new family including a husband that shows me Christ's love everyday. I want to personally thank the groomsmen and the bridesmaids for supporting Justin and I through the whole day. Amanda and Justin Moffatt for coordinating the Wedding during this dark time. Corie my photographer and the musicians for staying and never complaining. All my friends that helped set up the ceremony site. My parents and Justin's for trying and succeeding in making our Wedding day the best possible day. And anyone else I have forgotten that was a major help to me or someone else that day. I just want to say thank you and I love you all.